This week is remarkable for little other than repeated formatting issues in MS Word, and misbehaving printer settings in Excel. I did, however, attend a Rockies night game down at the old ballpark, like a good, Tornadough-eating, light-beer swilling Yankee.Of course we did not actually consume any of the $10 food items for sale on premises, despite the agreeable vendorship of rainbow snow-cones and "cheese cups." Instead, we chipped away at the five-pound bag of peanuts our friend had brought (at games' end, his feet were partially buried under the shells, the detritus clambering up his ankles like two anthills).
Balls were hit and caught, missed sometimes, and players went for brief runs between the bases to the delight and admonition of the crowd. The outing provided an opportunity for me to shuffle my thoughts on the sport; one I have long considered as bringing out the most endearing qualities of Americans. Following are the aspects of the sport I find most curious:
1. "The wave." Known in the U.S. simply as "the wave," the wave is referenced internationally as "the Mexican wave," and enjoys high popularity within both the National and American Leagues. For a full-stadium wave to occur, there must exist one seating section intent on little more than standing up, arms raised, multiple times while "woo"ing enthusiastically; much like an old lawn mower, this seating section must crank the starter through the "wave and woo" maneuver many times before it "takes" to the rest of the crowd, and must sacrifice their attention to, and enjoyment of, the game in its pursuit. Their collective hopes then ride the crest around the stadium, invariably heartbroken when it disintegrates around the expensive seating sections with good views of home plate. Members of the greater crowd will acquiesce the approaching wave with a half stand or throw up of the arms almost without thought, they way they might pass ketchup from table to table at a crowded sports bar. Oddly enough, when asked to recap a game they have attended, Americans seldom mention a memorable wave in which they partook.
2. The multimedia distractions peppered throughout the innings. Each stadium has its roll of "boredom alleviating devices" which they will insert between innings to assure the public that progress is being made - no surprise when you consider that 18 half-innings stand between Joe Citizen and his comfy chair at home. Downhearted and distracted, the most apathetic fan has been known to perk up at the sight of the "watch the ball" hat-switch game or the third inning "tractor race." In fact, fans that were catatonic just moments earlier will reanimate in the interval between innings to crow for the purple tractor, or to register their "song choice" (Bon Jovi always wins) via hollering indiscriminately into the ear of the person in front of them. By the time the first ball of the new innings is in, their behind will be firmly rooted in the bucket seat, and roused by little less than a tie-breaking homer.
3. Jumbo-tron moments. Late in the 8th or 9th innings, when all pitchers have failed, and an emergency pitcher is being prepped to "close," fans get most ancy. Before the advent of the jumbo-tron, fans were left to throw pizza at one another, and make period insults: "Your behind is wetter than a liquid lunch." Today, however, win-challenged teams like the Kansas City Royals have succeeded in almost completely distracting fans from the presence of a ball game via an oversized digi-screen of stats, pictures, replays and useless information designed to obscure the location of the score. During the latter stages of a ball game, fans are encouraged to shake their booties or kiss one another or flex their muscles in return for a semi-second of jumbo-tron fame. The palpable excitement seen on their faces as they realize they are on the big screen, part-way into their feature, is priceless: like a good "funniest home video" of a child totaling their tricycle, it can be guaranteed to solicit laughs from the crowd; similarly, the moment is snatched away from the micro-celebrity as quickly as it has been granted. Side note: Coors Stadium utilizes Bob the Builder's (DJ Otzi?) seminal dance hit "Hey baby (I wanna know if you'll be my girl)" - otherwise known as "the song that makes everybody dance like a moron." Other stadiums have also kept their fare to outdated dance or country numbers: "Cotton Eye Joe" gets a good turn at Coors, while Garth Brooks provides the seventh inning stretch distraction at Royals Field.
4. The seventh inning stretch. Not only do fast food vendors walk through the stadium to deliver fatty, synthetic treats to the fan too lazy to walk to the nearest kiosk, but the short duration of each innings encourages even the frugal fan to purchase beer at repeated intervals - many are well neigh sodden by the time the stadium goes "dry." Come the middle of the seventh inning, game organizers cunningly invented the "seventh inning stretch" to combat the extreme resulting atrophy, and ensure the safe departure and vitality of all patrons at games' end. At the behest of the announcer, the entire stadium will lumber forward onto its peanut-shell-littered feet, and bellow out "Take me out to the ball game" - a song only steps above the "Diarrhea" song in terms of sophistication. But the Yanks love it! Almost as much as they love Cracker Jacks. If only all public health policy was as easy as "Stand up! Just this one time! Okay you can sit."
This is a partial list.
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