New Urban Outfitters catalog dictates Fall style

And by "Fall style," you know I of course mean that hazy mishmash where fashion and motorbike riding collide. It's about lifestyle. To accomplish the lifestyle Urban Outfitters wants you to aspire to, you will have to discard any fat or muscle from your legs, then don an olive bodysuit and motocross helmet. As long as you look comfortable in such getup, the world will believe that your latest sacrifice to fashion was indeed on purpose; that you had planned on ditching pants for the leaf-peeping flurries of Fall even before the catalog went to print. (The truly avant-garde can try wearing their helmet backwards, for an particularly experiential homage to dadaism.)

Also in this Fall: gratuitous exasperation, directed at a fictional parent. This is the look you will want to inflict on your dear mother as you rally for her to purchase you an olive slip, denim jacket and tan handcrafted handbag - they're supposed to clash terribly, duh.

To cap off your outfit, dial up the exasperation slightly - try imagining that your mom is giving you "the talk" when it's already too late, and you already know all about *that.* Bonus points for dislocating limbs in the service of fashion, or for applying natural-style makeup that emphasizes just how gaunt your hollowing skull has become.

Side note on comments regarding poorly applied makeup: I get it, the Mac people provide the buffer between us and 300 shades of eyeshadow because we just can't be trusted. No one without a utility belt of brushes and asymmetrical bangs should be allowed near makeup, I agree. But even if we are escorted through the makeup buying process by the stagehands in the local Macys, even then it is likely we will fail when it comes time to apply the products masterfully in our own homes. Putting a row of false eyelashes below each of your eyes hardly ever seems as cool in your Vaseline-filled share bathroom as it does on the disco floor of a makeup emporium. So let's go easy on the makeup-challenged. We're just trying to make the face roadworthy. It's the same nod to etiquette the driver of a bomb makes as they gaffer-tape their bumper back in place to get to the store. Don't pull us over for dragging our tailpipe along the ground. Forgive us our two-tone paint job. And easy on the headlights.