Esteemed psychoanalyst Dr. Ralph Greenson had a major breakthrough this week, overcoming years of transference and projection issues for the psychologically compromised country of America. Speaking with the superpower as it reclined on an asymmetrical couch, Greenson delved deep into the subconscious, bringing to the surface repressed memories dating back as far as the 1600s.
Offering a rare diagnosis, Greenson led America gently to the realization that feelings of inferiority had been pushed deeper and deeper into the subconscious through the years, resulting in the manifestation of a paranoid delusion to the north of America; invention of a land mass with equal scenic beauty, but better health care and social services, a more robust economy, and amiable relations with almost every other country on earth. "Canada," as the manifestation is identified by the patient, offers a veritable projection of all that the United States feels it lacks. Inhabited by a diverse, friendly populace who enjoy quaint activities like ice fishing and making custard, "Canada's" picture-perfect existence and abundant mineral reserves are indeed too good to be true.
The revelation was a blow to America's psyche, which grappled to reconcile purported trips "across the border" at age 18. "Sometimes our idea of 'over the border' is internal," explained Greenson gently, "sometimes we dally with rebellious behaviors to test the boundaries of our beliefs and values, and sometimes that takes the form of a hallucination wherein we visit small, hokey roadhouses where they serve watery beer to minors outside Detroit." He added, "sometimes we all imagine leaving Detroit."
"So Canada never really existed?" asked America.
"Only in your mind." said Greenson. "Stop picking at the velvet, please."
That is deep.
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